Written by T.G. age 18 from Ra'anana, Israel.
Before my disorder was triggered I was a very busy person with many hobbies and enjoyments in life. I used to love staying in and watching a movie while snacking on some homage popcorn or chatting with friends, I loved going out to restaurants and especially getting dessert, i had the best time dancing and getting out all my energy and I was just starting experimenting with my sense of style so I’d always go out to try and find new clothes so I could try new combinations of outfits. My relationship with food and my body before wasn’t great. In general, I was very immersed in diet culture as were the people around me so it was nothing out of the ordinary. I’d try to eat “healthy” and “clean” but would eventually give up think g I don’t have enough will power to do so. I didn’t love my body so much, I always thought I’d be happy if I just got a bit smaller- which is the same way my friends felt about themselves, so I never questioned this disordered way of thinking. All of That being said my relationship with my food and my body wasn’t only that, When it came to exercise, I was determined to find something that was enjoyable and when it came to food I loved making things at home just the way I liked them and loved sweets. I think what finally triggered the disorder and made me move from the “in-between” stage I was at and pushed me over the line from disordered eating to a full blown eating disorder was when I had gotten covid. I had gotten quite sick and couldn’t get out of bed for days, which made me lose my appetite for a bit and lose some weight. Since it felt good to finally be In control of my diet and not eat “too many” sweets or snacks whilst I was Ill, I figured I’d seize the opportunity and go on a new diet and start working out more. It seemed harmless at the beginning, but as time went on this new routine, started to slowly morph from something “healthy” and innocent to something obsessive, time consuming, secretive and shameful. Food and exercise started to take over every aspect of my life. My day to day planning, my to do lists, my outings were all centered around when I would eat or exercise next. it made functioning normally overwhelming and exhausting, both mentally and physically. I was constantly tired and wanted to sleep all the time, I had terrible muscle aches and worst of all I was snappy and moody which made me distant myself from the people I loved the most. I couldn’t enjoy the things I used to like doing like going out with friends or family, dancing, singing. All the things that used to bring me so much joy were now either tiring at best and at worst stressful events that I would try and avoid taking part of. I felt so unhappy and felt like I empty, and at the end of the summer I decided it was finally time to reach out for help. I was heading in to my gap year, and I was waiting for it for so long and was so exited about all the things I wanted to do at the place I was going to be in, I knew I didn’t want all of this to be overshadowed by constantly thinking about food or exercise. I think by this time I also realised that I was not as In control as I thought I was, and that this is now something compulsive. It was almost like I slowly woke myself up and realized I was not only miserable because of all of this but that even though i felt this way I couldn’t stop, So I made the decision to tell my mum. I wrote down everything I wanted to say, I sat her down and we had a long, difficult but important conversation about what we were going to do next. we got on the same page, talked to my dad and officially started recovery. Asking for help and choosing recovery is as one of the hardest, yet undoubtedly one of the best decisions I have ever made. Doing this not only aloud me to regain my well-being, but also made me see the fault in many of my prior beliefs regarding food and exercise, even from before the disorder was triggered.
When I choose to recover, I thought I would just go back to my old relationship with food, but instead I’ve gained a whole new healed and positive outlook that I never thought I’d be able to have. it isn’t always easy and recovery is sometimes quite messy. Whether it was Having a different outlook than your peers or struggling with my body and how it changed during the recovery process, there were times when recovery got really difficult.
That being said, the amount of happiness and new amazing memories that recovery has allowed me to let into my life was worth every single hard moment along the way. I’ve gained so much during recovery: I was able to reconnect with friends and family, find new hobbies and enjoy food and exercise from a place of joy and not from a place of punishment. During my recovery process, I’d met with a handful of professionals, but I never felt I found the right fit until I met nava. Even just from the first phone call I had with her she made me feel safe, validated and supported which helped me to open up and take those first steps towards recovery with confidence. Throughout my time with nava I learnt how to approach situations with curiosity and investigation instead of judgement and criticism, how to value self care and how differentiate self care from diet culture beliefs. Nava always knows what the right thing is to say or do.
Whether it’s comforting words, new and helpful tools, insight or just simple validation nava always made me feels seen, heard and cared for during sessions. in treatment with nava I felt like I had finally found a place where i could open myself up and revive help when I need it. I could bring up any emotion, thought or feeling and be accepted, just as I am and no matter what. I could talk about anything and would always be met with immense amounts of patience and understanding. I looked forward to every session with her knowing I would always leaving feeling better then I did when I had walked in. I don’t think I could ever thank nava enough for all that she has given me, and I’m so grateful that I had the privilege of having someone like her with me throughout my recovery. If I had to say one thing, whether it’s to someone who wants to reach out or someone who has a person in their life suffering from an ed, I think that it would be that recovery is worth it. Choosing to recover isn’t easy and the way is hard sometimes too, but nothing compares to the freedom that recovery finally gives you. things will be hard sometimes, but nothing will ever be as bad as living with something so debilitating and miserable as an Ed. In summery, I’m so excited to see where the rest of my journey takes me and what it will bring ahead.
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